Alton Brown

Alton Brown is a suburban superfather. After playing Scatch with you for hours in his expansive, sloping side yard lined with barrier shrubs and pink dogwood trees, he will remove his rayon-blend Hawaiian shirt one bamboo button at a time. With a robust laugh and a precise thrust, he will show you how, exactly, popcorn can be--should be--popped, how yeast must be employed for plush, idyllic loaves, how, with proper patience and a candy thermometer, it is indeed possible--preferable, even, to coax yogurt into coagulation in the confines of your very own kitchen.

Ina Garten

She lives in the Hamptons!

Her husband teaches at Yale!

She will set a table so crisp and simple it will immediately make you wet. You will sit and highlight the more elusive segments of Swann's Way while she makes coq au vin in the most expensive Le Creuset 11-quart dutch oven and then frosts a multi-layer chocolate cake with raspberry filling on a rotating cake plate. She will frost YOU. And fuck you so hard you'll be too embarrassed to buy a prepared rotisserie chicken ever again.